3 Signs You Are People Pleasing (And How To Stop)

11. mars. 2019
363 967 Ganger

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This video seems quite hypocritical, especially on this channel.
Mainly because we talk a lot about impressing others, how to seem cool, confident and general tips to increase your charisma.
However, there is a fine line between genuine charisma and people pleasing, and the latter is exactly what we DON’T want.
So today, let’s dive into the subtle signs of people pleasing that you are likely doing so we can solve them and crush them for good!
0:34 - Sign #1: Mismatch Between What You’re Saying And What You’re Thinking
1:43 - Sign #2: Setting Up “Covert Contracts”
2:53 - Sign #3: Difference In Behaviour Between Groups
4:18 - Solution #1: Listen To Your Internal Voice
5:12 - Solution #2: Be Creative In Expressing Your Real Self
6:05 - Solution #3: Pay Attention To Consistent Personality Traits
7:25 - How To Make An Amazing First Impression
#PeoplePleasing #CharismaOnCommand #SelfDevelopment
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Instagram: @IamBenAltman

  • You can't just teach someone to be charismatic. So much depends on their childhood. If they were abused, it is highly unlikely that they will ever be charismatic. This channel is nonsense.

    Lea JacobsonLea Jacobson6 dager siden
  • I've always had an inkling that I was a pure people pleaser in life and after taking it seriously for a moment (I've been really into self improvement the past few months) and watching a couple videos it's like so apparent that I'm ashamed of myself haha. I remember at times I'd question my own interests and ask myself "Did I actually like this thing or did I just want to like this thing to be accepted?" Many things ended up getting thrown out like videogames, books, music CDs, etc. because I figured out I actually didn't like them. Sometimes I've felt like I've said stuff too often while immediately feeling some internal conflict or guilt/regret that I've actually questioned if I even know what I actually like or what kind of person I really am. After watching another video it's apparent that it's come from experience with one of my parents. Thanks for making this video man, this is one of the first stepping stones in helping me figure out this issue with myself!

    Aerociviz NicholasAerociviz Nicholas18 dager siden
  • Perfect video I needed

    Waleed MWaleed MMåned siden
  • Talk about giving value!! You would be a great mentor!! Amazing stuff!!!

    Loiu SeriesLoiu SeriesMåned siden
  • I am a people pleaser, hate it, going to change it.

    Lucas WickLucas Wick2 måneder siden
  • Dude Step #1: "Mismatch Between What You’re Saying And What You’re Thinking" Thats basically my life

    Andrew SAndrew S2 måneder siden
  • If you are people pleaser, *REMEMBER* you are that person who will *SUFFER* later!

    Victory90Victory903 måneder siden
  • When you make a NOworld video so the people staying at your house can see it and stay at a hotel instead

    walt Cruzwalt Cruz4 måneder siden
  • Here I am doing it again. Cause I feel like your bored with me. So I'm trying to change things around some. I'm sorry. But I do things the way I do things when I'm ready too. If I play things over and over. Who the *F* cares. That is who I am. Love me for me not for who you want me to become for yourself. I got to stop people pleasing and be me.

    Jamie Cee49Jamie Cee494 måneder siden
  • 3 Signs You Are People Pleasing 1. A mismatch between what you're saying and the voice inside of your head 2. You're trying to get something without being explicit about it (covert contracts) 3. A difference in behavior between groups How to stop it * ask yourself "If I knew this person would handle it beautifully, I would ___." * review how to express your reasoning clearly * pay attention to consistent personality traits (to enjoy yourself without trying to get something from people)

    Lenon FreireLenon Freire4 måneder siden
  • My friend learned something new from this video after I showed her and now hopefully she'll learn to stop being a people pleaser and make sure to take care of her well being first before automatically helping others.

    Braeden McDaidBraeden McDaid4 måneder siden
  • Can you do a video on how to explain a disability to someone? I just find it hard to do it without there being a really long silence...

    CS ComicsCS Comics5 måneder siden
  • I'm just realising this. I absolutely am a people pleaser. I do everything in order to be liked. I don't wanna create tension in the conversation. I can see the disgust in peoples faces when i'm choosing for me. I fear that they won't like me anymore. That they will hate me for the rest of their life. That they will be dissapointent in me. That I owe them something in order to keep the balance of likeability. What happens to me in conversations is that I will crumble in my attitude. It's almost like i'm going back to a phetus position. I wanna run away and protect myself.

    DMP.TVDMP.TV5 måneder siden
  • this is a good one!

    VánVán5 måneder siden
  • i guess that im genuinely charismatic

    • That depends. If you're rude then no one will like you and if you're way too kind everyone will make use of you.

      The seven KINGS we loveThe seven KINGS we love5 måneder siden
  • Great Content Thank you Coc too nice Don't be calculative Fake Soul Unleash your chari

    Jason Ong HimselfJason Ong Himself6 måneder siden
  • Charlie, if someone uses the grey rock method with some people that are causing harm to them, do you think that he/she is fake? I think that he/she isn't

    Mihai DucaMihai Duca6 måneder siden
  • I find that I care so much about what strangers think. Its weird - the closer I get to someone the less I try and please them, because I'm more secure that they won't leave me. But I'm around "strangers" a lot of the time and everyone sees me as a pushover. I also find myself changing my personality around different groups but this isn't to please them, its more like different people bring out different aspects of myself and I'm not sure how to become more consistant in the way I act around people. A lot of people say I'm a genuine person though which further adds to my dilemma, I'm able to fake stuff well enough that they believe its real and now Im not sure whats real anymore.

    subzerosubzero6 måneder siden
  • Stop caring what others think of you. Say whats on your mind, if there’s something you dont wanna do dont do it and dont think about what others are thinking in the process. If you care about what others think then your seeking their validation, what others think is none of your business and if they dont like what you do then thats on them and has nothing to do with you.

    YUNG NATEYUNG NATE6 måneder siden
  • Friendly Suggestion. Please master your audio to -16LUFS loudness. Having a steady fully present audio quality will make your channel more listenable in noisy environments. There are a lot of good plugins for this. My favorite is izotope RX.

    Nick ZammutoNick Zammuto7 måneder siden
  • This video was so, so very helpful. I have a freind of over 30 years who years ago opened a business in the west indies and after it didnt work out she came back to the states displaced... over the past 8 years shes moved from city to city with family- alternating with my apartment sometimes for a year or more at a time... needless to say my friend is back and has been here over a year and I allowed her to be so comfortable that she's taken over my room and bed and I'm sleeping on the couch in my own home because of her severe phobic fear of mice (I live in NYC and yes I sometimes get mice. I know she's in desperate need and shes found it hard (or hardly looking) to find work. I want to ask her to leave so I can have my home back to myself but I can't seem to find the right words to say and I fear she'll have no place to go. I suffer from neurotic people pleasing due to early childhood trauma and often times find any form.of confrontation unbearable and I'm looking for anything to help me formulate what to say and deal with the anxiety of the confrontation after aaking her to leave. This behavior has not served me well but I cant seem to change. No judgements please.

    john binesjohn bines7 måneder siden
  • 666th comment here

    Minuka RodrigoMinuka Rodrigo8 måneder siden
  • I can't stop people pleasing please tell me how to stop😭😭😭😭

    Min_Holly's_ PianoMin_Holly's_ Piano9 måneder siden
  • Don't do things for people because you think it will make them like you. Chances are if it were the other way around nobody would do the same for you. Be selfish y'all. Peace out ✌.

    Alex AmazeballsAlex Amazeballs9 måneder siden
  • First sign: click on this video

    Darwiis KhamaDarwiis Khama9 måneder siden
  • Honestly we should not have to be direct. If I can pick up on people's subtleties they should be able to pick up on mine

    Kevin wKevin w10 måneder siden
  • Thank you

    Mahammadou TunkaraMahammadou Tunkara10 måneder siden
  • The best part is when you’ve helped and didn’t expect anything in return and you got something.

    Krzysztof LewandowskiKrzysztof Lewandowski10 måneder siden
  • Guys who show off around females are simps and earn an immediate eye roll from me.😒

    Mike LesesneMike Lesesne10 måneder siden
  • i know that i am people pleasing but i just can't do anything against it. i just hate for other people to feel bad or embarrassed and that's also why i just can't say no. so i often do things i actually don't want to do and i am sick of it :( but i just can't help it.

    leyla gleyla g11 måneder siden
  • thank you for all of your hard work I really had a feeling but you have confirmed and help me overcome. thanks again keep up the great and selfless work

    Russ GlenRuss Glen11 måneder siden
  • To be brief what he's saying is basically be real and genuine. Don't be fake and don't be a snake

    Reinhart AlvaroReinhart AlvaroÅr siden
  • So incredible how he made this video all in one take

    Solomon TanSolomon TanÅr siden
  • I've done some of these at times and have realized that I didn't set firm boundaries and stick to them. Once I did that I found it easy to stop.

    DavidRomeRecordingDavidRomeRecordingÅr siden
  • problems with being people pleasing? just get depressed! i never expect something in return when i do favors or stuff in general because my mind is telling me that i don't deserve anything anyway. problem solved, right? haha.... ha... fk me ^^"

    JJ GyzmoJJ GyzmoÅr siden
  • Wtf is a personality trait?

    ZennorZennorÅr siden
  • Sign 1: Watching this video. Sign 2: Reading this comment. Sign 3: You're currently smiling. Relax, and enjoy you being you: I sure am ;)

    Sound GardenerSound GardenerÅr siden
  • The mum thing disturbed me

    Good GirlGood GirlÅr siden
  • Man, this guy is so charismatic. I wonder where he got his skills?

    kwkwÅr siden
  • What my internal voice seems to be most telling me is that if I don't please people at work then my job is at risk. I work in IT, an area where both Autism Spectrum Disorder and Sociopathy have been found to be well above the population average. We're not talking Hannibal Lecter here but, certainly, most of the managers behave as if their staff are things to be used and discarded rather than people to be nurtured and developed. As well as my day job, I'm also the local union steward so have seen first hand how most of the managers treat staff who do not please them. People-pleasing has become a survival trait.

    Stephen BoothStephen BoothÅr siden
  • This video is immensely helpful. Thank you!

    The Working ManThe Working ManÅr siden
  • Why is people pleasing bad if it makes you happy? I haven't managed to build up any resentment in my life. I don't expect the same behaviour from other people. I just enjoy, pleasing. Anything wrong with that?

    Claudia Ethel GraceClaudia Ethel GraceÅr siden
  • I like watching these on mute. With sound the images, facial expressions and body language can be overwhelming. This guy says so much with just his eyebrows!

    CaptPocoCaptPocoÅr siden
  • hey

    Alej RandomAlej RandomÅr siden
  • I’m ridiculously pitiful.

    Rainbow O.Rainbow O.År siden
  • Your are amazing sir

    Cricket fans presented to you by IrfanCricket fans presented to you by IrfanÅr siden
  • There is a big difference between being nice and being kind. Nice people are some of the most angry, entitled and resentful people around. Lacking boundaries themselves they look to the outside and other people to behave according to their wishes and when they don’t they blame the other people instead of taking personal responsibility for what is right for them. In short, you can’t outsource your boundaries and how people treat you. That’s an inside job. It is not nice to say yes when you know you don’t want to. It is far more kind and loving to say no. Unfortunately so many nice people were conditioned to be unseen, unheard, and not understood-to be people pleasers. A second issue is projecting onto other people your own personal beliefs, values, and standards. I am always wary of people who use the word”should “ a lot.

    LinYouTooLinYouTooÅr siden
  • Love your videos, but this one is VERY quite.

    Jason DoucetteJason DoucetteÅr siden
  • My inner voice was in mute for years so I felt lost in others' will. Then I was getting upset feeling betrayed after all this people pleasing. It's so nice you made a video for this!

    the Smiling Kelly B.the Smiling Kelly B.År siden
  • But how would you know the what to say as the compromise for any given situation that isn’t black or white. Say it’s not a group of people and it’s one person you secretly don’t like. It’s the fact you don’t have this answer which is WHY you fence sit in the first place. As always they leave this blank for lower mortals who are aren’t charismatic to figure out for ourselves while they take the credit for hinting at it’s So if someone says do you like this band I say I no I can’t stand them So you want to come out for s curry No I hate curry There you go I’m not an evil people pleaser 😎

    Geoffrey TesterGeoffrey TesterÅr siden
  • Uuhhhggg.......this hit close and hard. I'm in the autumn of my life and I'm *STILL* attempting to learn the difference between people pleasing and practicing kindness and treating people as I want to be treated. These videos are helping. For that I truly thank you.

    Sweety the Southern SingerSweety the Southern SingerÅr siden
  • The second point. Covered contracts. This is something we all do in DAILY life. Sometimes it’s ok. Sometimes not. It’s VERY useful to start analyzing ourselves when we do it. Easy example is when we tell someone “I love you” mainly hoping to hear it back

    Alex KnightAlex KnightÅr siden
  • If I listened to my internal voice I'd be in prison so I'll keep people pleasing and pretend I'm completely normal 🤫

    J BadassowskiJ BadassowskiÅr siden
  • Lol. It's not about them liking me. It's about me liking them.

    AlexAlexÅr siden
  • Is it too much to ask for when I do favors for my friend, what I ask for in return is reciprocation? Is it a form of covert contract?

    sboulderickmamsboulderickmamÅr siden
  • I’m a terrible people pleaser 😭😭 so is my dad. I’m commenting before watching this video... I hope this video helps me Edit: I am funnier and more talkative around certain people... but only those who I’m comfortable with. If I’m uncomfortable around someone, I’m pretty quiet. I’m not consistent with my personality but that’s anxiety :/

    Em Jane VlogsEm Jane VlogsÅr siden
  • I love this video, Charlie. It really opened my eyes and I realise I was once in that people pleasing mode but have worked out of it. I like making everyone feel comfortable around me and it's not specific to particular groups. But then sometimes I feel like I'm losing their respect in doing so...

    Heli ShahHeli ShahÅr siden
  • For that number 3 can someone explain that to me a bit better? Because I thought the way we build rapport quickly with someone is mirroring, meaning if they talk soft you talk soft, if there loud your loud and that will quickly build respect with that person, but now it seems like he is saying don’t do that?

    Turbo SwordsmanTurbo SwordsmanÅr siden
  • Underrated aspect about this channel: No cuts. Just one continuous take. That proves you really know what you’re talking about and can share this information with confidence and conviction. Excellent video as always :)

    Bill PeraltaBill PeraltaÅr siden
    • @Michael Gomez That's the exact point. I've watched many of his videos, and he has fantastic insights on a variety of charisma related topics and really does know what he's talking about.

      PurplePinkRedPurplePinkRedMåned siden
    • To be fair, he does it quite frequently

      Michael GomezMichael GomezMåned siden
  • Can we talk about the fact that he did it in one cut ?

    NaejNaejÅr siden
  • Put more volum to ur videos, seriously, just a lil bit :)

    thelucianiancu EVLthelucianiancu EVLÅr siden
  • I am only people pleasing when it's like a distant relative or someone I don't really know because if your visiting some old friends and they ask for help Refusing just because you don't want to would be unnmannerly

    JelowJelowÅr siden
  • You have to be a people pleaser when youre broke. This is honestly one of my biggest reasons for why I want to make get rich, so I can finally stop caring about what others think of me and just be myself wherever with whoever no matter how much more superior they feel.

    Its AbzerIts AbzerÅr siden
  • All of your videos are great! I have to point out one thing in this one, specifically when you mentioned having consistent personality traits among all groups/situations you are in. Although true to an extent, it is well-known in psychology and sociology of the concept of different "social selves", where it is perfectly normal to show different aspects of our personality depending on the setting and the people we are around. It's a very interesting topic that would require more reading, but wanted to point that out! So don't feel like you are fake if you see yourself acting "different" in one social group vs. another, as long as you don't feel like you are not acting like yourself.

    Wilfredo ManglapusWilfredo ManglapusÅr siden
  • i find your videos really interesting but i do feel like the language you use is often very heteronormative and directs the advice towards men

    ktktÅr siden
  • I read this as " 3 Signs You Are Pleasing People." That changes the context entirely.

    Peace, Love and GunsPeace, Love and GunsÅr siden
    • PaSsIoNaTePuGrL This is accurate.

      Peace, Love and GunsPeace, Love and GunsÅr siden
    • Peace, Love and Guns 🤓

      PaSsIoNaTePuGrLPaSsIoNaTePuGrLÅr siden
  • This is such a huge problem for me.

    DanDanÅr siden
  • Thank you. Your videos really help me.

    SilverburstnelsonSilverburstnelsonÅr siden
  • i get distracted easily by your smile, it's beautiful

    LucilaLucilaÅr siden
  • Is this a personal attack or something??

    hi hellohi helloÅr siden
  • I actually can't hear my own voice over my internal voice

    Phil L.Phil L.År siden
  • Would this still apply to people who tend to do the opposite: High energy with friends but calm around people I want to impress

    agent G 021agent G 021År siden
  • I’m a quiet and shy person and I’m trying to be a little bit more confident but the problem is that my confidence and funniness seem so fake to me. Also there’s this guy I like and I don’t know if I’m doing it for him or not. I mean, I want to be more confident anyways but I think I’m starting to be more confident to stand out to him. 🤷‍♀️ (Thank you for letting me vent internet)

    Rachel MRachel MÅr siden
  • How the hell is not people pleasing supposed to work in a regular (boring) office job.

    chris_chrzychris_chrzyÅr siden
  • being internally honest yet also optimistic. dont do things out of fear. expect the best and be realistic

    k.k.År siden
  • This was one of the most original and useful techniques I’ve ever heard about understanding your own personality. Thanks.

    Amanda GallowayAmanda GallowayÅr siden
  • Charisma on command😎👑

    AbdealiiAbdealiiÅr siden
  • I have to disagree with that last point. A lot of different groups of people absolutely and unforgivingly expect you to act differently around them, and there is no getting around this.

    Helen Rowlett-BarbuHelen Rowlett-BarbuÅr siden
  • I’m so awkward, not in a quirky way, but genuinely awkward. I hate it.

    Mimi WeyMimi WeyÅr siden
  • So is it lacking in charisma if you do nice things without an expectation of some kind of payback but get hurt when someone doesn't say thank you? Does that count as an expectation?

    Danielle BDanielle BÅr siden
  • Ah yes, being assertive Is a good challenge. Tit for Tat is the name of the game!

  • You remind me of The Riddler from Gotham.

    S MS MÅr siden
  • What’s the opposite of this? Because the only people I can be great around are people I don’t need to like me.

    NickNickÅr siden
  • If you are doing things for someone you don't need to be doing just so that person likes you then STOP IT! It makes them actually NOT respect you or your time. Respecting and taking care of yourself will make others respect and care for you.👍

    7 Star General Dipshit De Turd7 Star General Dipshit De TurdÅr siden
  • But people would hate me if I said the things in my head 😂😂😂

    KittySnickerKittySnickerÅr siden
  • You look like Brendon Urie

    Jack KaczmarskiJack KaczmarskiÅr siden
  • OK.. Here is a thing (didn't finish the video yet) if am talking to someone that I don't want to talk to and I am not interested not one bit of what he wants or what he is talking about.. But I can't leave because I am afraid that I would break that person's heart.. Is that people pleasing??

    sa3doZ 22sa3doZ 22År siden
  • What about if you're fun and funny with people, but quiet and depressed without people?

    MrDragoon334MrDragoon334År siden
  • Yesterday in the middle of school I horrifically realized that I'm so used to doing this very thing that when my ears hear 'can I...', without my brain even catching up with the question or sometimes even letting the person finish the question I find that my mouth has already said 'Sure' and vice versa when my ears hear a person start a sentence with 'would you like...' or more likely 'Do you want...' my mouth is already saying 'No thanks' and more and more I find that not even a second later I look like a deer in headlights and regretting my answer because either 'no you absolutely cannot' or actually 'yes I would like some' but I feel way to embarrassed to actually correct myself

    IDKHOW to not love 5sos !IDKHOW to not love 5sos !År siden

    Be MansBe MansÅr siden
  • This channel is therapy

    claritarejoiceclaritarejoiceÅr siden
  • From all the ppl wanting to stay at your place you're going to send YOUR OWM MOTHER to a hotel?? The woman that gave birth to you? The one who carried you around in her belly for NiNe MONTHS?!

    Maggot MeatballzMaggot MeatballzÅr siden
  • “Members of the opposite sex that you are attracted to” Woah, gotta be careful there buddy. Inclusiveness and all, this is 2019. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

    IonaIonaÅr siden
  • Everything we do in life, is to people please so people like us, respect us; want to give us raises, want to have babies with us, want to hang around with us. Whether that be enjoying talking to a checkout guy in a shop, or taking to your ceo, the fact is you want to walk away thinking that person liked you, and you do that by developing a personality. And we all got one, and we use it for one reason- to people please so that people like us and we can get through life easier.

    Jonathan MayesJonathan MayesÅr siden
  • What should an introvert does!?

    Maryam GolmeymiMaryam GolmeymiÅr siden
  • (He probably won’t respond to this but I’m commenting it anyways.) So I have a friend, we’re “best friends, you could say. We’ve known each other for 4 years and we’re pretty alike. We are pretty much inseparable, and whenever people we know think “best friends”, they think us. She’s always been so kind and caring, she took care of me when I lost a loved one and was always there for me through hard times. However, once in a blue moon, I notice she says very subtle signs of not liking me. Usually it goes something like this: “oh, I’m so exited that I’ve started to work on poetry. It’s really a powerful art form.” “Oh, I’ve tried it. I don’t like it, it’s kinda boring.” She seems to not care, but she’s kind. The rudest thing she’s ever done is say “people think I’m skinny because I’m an hourglass figure.” I know she probably didn’t mean any harm, but she knows I’ve had issues with starving myself in the past. She’s almost always the most caring friend I could dream of, so I try as hard as I can to keep her happy. She was sad, I brought her flowers, a card, and made her tea. She was cold, I gave her all my blankets and I slept on my couch so she could have my bed. I don’t want to let her go, but I don’t know what I should do. Help? I need advice from someone :( Edit: omg this is an essay of a paragraph

    SamSamÅr siden
  • Can you do a video on hannah baker from 13 reasons why

    Neha ShoaibNeha ShoaibÅr siden
  • Woof... I had this before. Before I always think I have to comment in every channel and videos that I watch but now I only comment when I want to.

    n o v s k in o v s k iÅr siden
  • Your hair is distracting me

    Cordilleran AdamCordilleran AdamÅr siden
  • What if i unintentionally/i guess subconsciously? do the Third Point of the video backward? in group i would crack jokes, which i do every time im in a group, but when i'm alone with another person, specifically a girl, i wouldn't do it as often?

    Anggoro Gede WasesoAnggoro Gede WasesoÅr siden